CHILLY OR WHAT?

In more polite times when words beginning with B attracted a clip behind the ear, or indeed in front of it, for the clipper didn’t mind where the clip landed as long as it did land, there was a little rhyme which went around schools and appeared little autograph books, the fashion for which has also passed, which went thus:

The night was dark and stormy,
The billy goat was blind.
It tried to jump a barbed wire fence
And scratched its never-you-mind.

Tonight is such a night but I doubt that there are many billy goats around and if there are, the cold north-westerly wind is enough to make their beards curl and encourage them to leap fences in order to find shelter from the weather. .

“But!” people will say, “ although this storm may be uncomfortable for an hour or two it is better than being snowed in as we were at this time last year.” That be as it may, at least we knew it was cold outside and didn’t go out dressed in October clothes.

There is nothing worse than being cold. Being too hot may be uncomfortable, but provided you have enough to drink and can go into the shade now and again it can be bearable, but cold penetrates the bones and there is no immediate escape. Even if you get into a warmer place it can take a long time to thaw out.

My experience in this field is extensive because when I was young and had to do sentry duties on the submarine casing, guarding the almost impenetrable boat from non-existent intruders, exposed to any element which chose to pass my way, and only a long overcoat as additional clothing, I had feet like ice long before my two hour stint was up. This spread slowly up the legs until it pervaded the whole body which returned shivering to its sleeping bag.

But my worst episode by far was the occasion when I went out on a fine and temperate winter morning to referee a football match in Warrington. It was a longish walk from the changing rooms to the pitch but that was no problem in the hazy sunshine. We had barely got kicked off when the gloomy, grey clouds began to gather. The wind began to strengthen from the north and you know what they say about the north wind when it doth blow?

By half time it was blowing a gale and a mixture of hailstones and snow was falling upon the just and the unjust, in this case in equal measure. Usually it is relatively easy for the referee to make work for himself in order to keep warm by running when he would normally walk and by going to places where he would not venture in the average game. But the wind was coming from the side of the pitch and the teams did not have the skills to control the ball so that play became confined to an area about twenty yards wide down one touchline. The opportunities to make work were therefore limited and I became cold to the core.

Eventually the game finished and we could all have done without the long walk back to the dressing room where removing my kit revealed parts of my body to be a strange shade of red, especially that part between the top of my stockings and the bottom of my shorts. Shivering, I got into a hot shower which was another mistake and, as a first-aider, I should have known better. However, cleaner but not much warmer, I donned my tracksuit and trainers and went off to sign the team sheet . This I did with difficulty, my hand being unsteady because I was still shivering. A couple of hours and a glass of single malt whisky were to pass before I felt something like a normal human being again.

And it must have been decidedly chilly in the cave on that night two thousand years ago. Winter temperatures in the little town of Bethlehem can fall below freezing and that is after global warming. But this short poem which was one of the readings at the Kings College carol service this year should warm even the coldest heart.

This was the moment when Before
Turned into After, and the future’s
Uninvented timekeepers presented arms. 

This was the moment when nothing
Happened. Only dull peace
Sprawled boringly over the earth.

This was the moment when even energetic Romans
Could find nothing better to do
Than counting heads in remote provinces.

And this was the moment
When a few farm workers and three
Members of an obscure Persian sect
Walked haphazard by starlight straight
Into the kingdom of heaven.

 BC:AD
U.A.FANTHORPE
from New and Collected Poems
published by Enitharmon Press2010